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PETER: But we are back where we were!
JANE: I told you to take the other road.
JOHN: Anyway we are still lost.
CAROLIE: Oh don't keep saying we are lost.
JOHN: Well we are aren't we?
CAROLIE: Yes, but it doesn't help, does it? Why don't
you just shut up.
JOHN: Why don't you shut up.
ALL: (Variously) Oh shut up. Don't have a row.
Why do you keep on. What's the matter with you. Shut up yourself.
etc.
Their voices rise in anger and fear
MARK: (Topping them all) I want my mum.
Enter Policeman
POLICEMAN: Hullo, hullo, wots all this 'ere,
He surveys them majestically while they gaze at him in apprehension
POLICEMAN: Loitering eh! Its the lockup for you lot. And ten pounds a time for release...that's let me see now...one, two, three...seven of you. Well that will make a tidy sum.
He calculates elaborately on his fingers, gets it wrong and starts again, then gives up
POLICEMAN: Well wot, may I enquire, are you loitering
about in a public place at this hour of the night?
PETER: Please Sir, we are lost.
POLICEMAN: Lost! That's a likely story. How am I to know
you are not a gang of thieves? (To Peter) You look a typical
wide boy to me. Have you been stealing cigarettes?
PETER: Please Sir, I don't smoke.
POLICEMAN: And neither does my grandmother. Only last
night a Cabinet Minister's house was broken into. Somebody stole
all the whiskey. Were you the culprit?
PETER: Please Sir, I don't drink.
POLICEMAN: Well, my grandmother does. I can see I shall
have to take a statement.
He produces a notebook with great deliberation
POLICEMAN: Now what is your name?
PETER: Please Sir, Peter.
POLICEMAN: Peter eh. That sounds familiar. Were you
the one who got seven years for car stealing at Wolverhampton
and for assaulting five policemen who tried to arrest you.
PETER: Please Sir, no Sir.
POLICEMAN: No sir! Well his name was Peter so how do you
account for that?
PETER: I don't Sir.
POLICEMAN: And how old are you?
PETER: Please Sir, I am eleven Sir.
POLICEMAN: That's right, trying to pretend you are under
age so your prison sentence will be less. I know all the tricks
of the likes of you. Now what are you doing loitering around
here?
PETER: Please Sir, we are looking for Father Christmas.
POLICEMAN: (Writing it all down) 'Looking for Father...'
Looking for Father Christmas! Now look here my smart fellow,
don't you come the old boy scout with me. Father Christmas indeed.
Where did you last see him?
PETER: Please Sir, we have never seen him.
POLICEMAN: Never seen him. I should think you haven't
neither. Do you know anybody who has ever seen him?
PETER: (Looking round for support) I don't think
so Sir.
They all shake their heads
POLICEMAN: Well now, just see here. When you come up in court, I shall have to read a statement which you will make shortly at the police station.
The children look at each other in dismay
POLICEMAN: And I had better warn you now that anything you say will be taken down turned inside out and used in evidence against you. Now, how will it sound to the magistrate when I read out...
He reads with great deliberation
POLICEMAN: 'I, Peter, aged eleven, in the early
hours of December 25, whilst peacefully going about my lawful
occasions...'
PETER: Please Sir, what are they?
POLICEMAN: Wot are wot?
PETER: Lawful...er, those things you said Sir.
POLICEMAN: Lawful occasions?
Peter nods
POLICEMAN: Well them there are them rare times when you are doing nothing nobody ought not to be doing. Now do you understand?
Peter nods, but plainly doesn't
POLICEMAN: Anyway, 'Whilst peacefully going about
my lawful occasions, and being in search with some friends of
an unknown person named 'Father Christmas', was found loitering
in a public place and arrested by Police Constable Number Nine
million Five hundred and eighty four thousand Six hundred and
ninety three in execution of his duty'. Well, how will that sound?
Do you think the magistrate will believe it?
PETER: Well, I don't believe it myself Sir.
POLICEMAN: You don't believe it? And why may I ask do
you not believe it?
PETER: Well Sir, you haven't arrested us yet have you?
They all laugh except the Policeman who is tempted to but doesn't
MARK: (Very loudly) I...(A hand is clapped over his mouth)
POLICEMAN: What's wrong with him?
JOHN: He wants his mum.
POLICEMAN: Oh, I see. How now what am I going to do with
you young people.
JANE: Look Sir, why don't you just let us off.
CAROLIE: That's right sir, please let us off.
SUSAN: Go on sir, be a sport.
CEPHAS: Go on sir, after all it is Christmas.
POLICEMAN: Well, as you say, it is Christmas.
PETER: Yes Sir, and we really are lost. Can you help us
get home?
POLICEMAN: Well, in that case you all just follow me and
I will have you safe and snug in your beds in no time.
He moves to go off, the children clustering excitedly around him
POLICEMAN: Wait a minute.
He stops and the smiling benevolence on his face indicates he is human after all.
POLICEMAN: Since it is Christmas why don't we have a carol before we go.
during which he takes the smallest child in his arms
and his hat somehow gets transferred onto the head of one of the children
On the last note they are following him off again as...
» Final Scene - The Same Children's Room as the First Scene
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